Hey everyone, sorry i haven't updated, lifes been crazy.
I made the Varsity squad. Which means no more free friday nights once football starts.
i'm really excited about it though.
I'm on the state council for HOSA, so i was busy with that.
lots to do, not enough time.

I'm not sure what my weight is, because i'm on my period, and my stomach is soooo
swollen, it looks gross.


but, i gotta go to school.
i'll get on when i get home, and update more.

i should really be getting ready, but oh well.
i have to go to barnes and noble dressed like Alice from Alice in wonderland.
(that waas our school play)
Then i have a tea at my grandmas church.
i'm going to try and not eat much.
but with my mom and grandma watching me it will be hard to eat nothing.
i ate a bowl of oatmeal with fiber supplement in it.

i'm still nervous about tryouts, but i'm working really hard to make it.
i'll update more later.


<3 you all

Cheerleading tryouts are next week.
i'm really nervous, even though i made the squad the past two years.
that was JV, now i'm moving up to varsity. i just can't jump, and that's a huge
grade for tryouts.
i'm freakin' out. i've been working really hard, but i have like this mental block.
ughh!

i really hope i make it, i love cheering.

but.. if i don't i'm going to run cross country.
i'll at least be in awsome shape.

the boyfriend took me out for mexican and milk shakes.
i coughed so much i puked some of it up.
i brushed my teeth, and decided to finish the job.
so now my tummy is nice and empty.

I got up this morning and ate, not realizing it was the start of MNF.
I think i'm waiting till monday, because of mothers day and crap.

Got in a fight with my bf last night.
because i got my nose pierced, and he told me i couldn't.
but he doesn't control me. and threatened to break up with me if i did it.
i was at his house and he kept telling me to take the sticker off my face.
i showed him it was real and he said "t's numbers on the white board."
then he just left, and hasn't talked to me since.
i really don't know what to do.

His little sister (step) was saying stuff like "if he breaks up with you i'm slapping him, he'll never find someone as pretty or as good as you"
she's 10, and i want to stay in her life as she grows.


i hate boys sometimes.

Yesturday i did pretty good, until i went to my grandmas.
My cousin was there, and she's 4.
She made me play house, and she was the mommy, then she cooked for me and then we played McDonalds. She just shoved stuff at me through a little opening thing.
It was candy, and if i didn't eat it she started screaming and telling on me for not eating, and my mom was suspicious of my not eating all day.
so i had to eat.
FML.

I'm going to do even better today.
absolutly no sweets.
and in gym, for fun, me and about 6 other people are going to the football field, standing on the 25 yd line, spining as fast as we can until someone yells go, then running as fast and hard as you can without falling, and the person who gets furthest wins.
i'm really excited, because it's alot of fun, and it's in the upper 80's.
well, i'll update later, bacause i have to get ready for school.

(:

EVERYONE WHOS FOLLOWING ME

Please do this!
i NEED IT.
PLEASE!!!


Leave the ruddest, meanest, most thinspiring comment ever.
Tell me i'm fat, that i need to loose weight.
Make me cry.
You can leave it anonymously or with your name.
i don't care! I won't hold it against you.
I PROMISE!



i'm 5'3" and i weigh 138-140 lbs.
MY legs are bigger then my head and they jiggle when i walk.
call me a fat ass, please!

my measurements are 32-29-38?
i think.

I can't run without my thighs chaving, i can't jump, and when i cheer its like a fat parade.



PLEASE EVERYONE HELP ME.

I am such a failure.
I've eaten so much today, i feel like i'm going to throw up.
i'd love too, but my head hurts to bad to purge.
i just drank a LARGE shake. did you see that? a LARGE!
I'm just screaming make me a fat ass!
i hate myself so much right now.

I take a birth control pill because of my severe PMS, and they stopped making it, and i can't get more until after i see a doctor, so i'm misserable.

i have period cramps, but no bleeding, and i feel like shit, and i can't sleep.
of course i can NEVER sleep because of insomnia.

I have to get on track. i feel disgusting.
i want to be skinny for New York, because i plan on going to ford models and whilamina and sending in a portfolio.

I want to be beautiful. i want the guys to want me, to talk about me, to vote me for homecoming. I want to be the girl they lust after, not just the one they ask when they need help.

My mom got those shape up shoes, so i'm taking them to gym class, because all i do is walk for an hour+. i would run, but theres a cutie in my next class, and i want him to notice me. not just as an aquantance. but more.

yes, i know i have a boyfriend, and i love him. but this guy is gorgeous. my boy friend knows i think this. we started this new thing where we tell each other anytime we look at someone else. as long as it's looking, not touching.
it's quite nice. no more guilt for thinking another guys cute.

we have a weird relationship, but he means the world to me. he really does.


well, that's really all i have on my minf right now. i'm going to try to get some much needed sleep, it will help with my hunger i feel all the time.


i love you all!

Sorry i haven't updated in a while.
very busy.
last night was prom.
it was magical. i acctually felt pretty(with no mirrors around)
it was amazing seeing everyone made up.
most of the girls were so tiny.
i felt huge.
on a plus i feel like i lost weight dancing so much.
on a negative.. i think i'm sick all over again. my immune system sucked, and i was with alot of people, and now i'm coughing worse, and just setting here i'm sweating.
it's fantastic! (note the sarcasm)

i didn't go out to eat last night, but after prom they had a dinner for the students, so i had a half a sandwich and a cup of baked ziti, then i played on bouncey things for half an hour, so i feel i burned most of it.

i had 2 slices of pizza around 10 for breakfast(what the HELL was i thinking?)
haven't eaten again yet.

<3 you all