I went to the store and i have gotten new low cal foods.
i'm going to loose weight.
so far i had a bowl of cereal - 170
but i left half in the bowl, so like - 85ish.

i've been doing 50 sit ups a night on my exersice ball, it's all i can do with this cough.
it still hasn't gone.
FML.

I've decided my goal is to look tanned, toned, and small like the girls in the country music videos.
i live in a small town, and i'm a "redneck" and so is my boyfriend.
that would be his dream girl, i just know it.

Today i've eaten a bowl of cereal.
150 cals.
and a cookie
70 cals.


I'm going to my boyfriends later to watch Avatar. It's his fav.
I prob wont eat there, because most of the time dinners over when i get there.
i'm making him take me to sonic for a diet dr pepper, and ice.

i'll tell him i ate already, and tell my parents i ate there.

i won't leave till' 5 though, so i will try to get out of anymore eating.

i really want to work out, but my cough limits what i can do.
i hate it.
I stretched for 30 min last night for cheerleading.
I really hope i make it, i'm so worried i wont. I have to make varsity since i'll be a junior, but there are so many gymnasts trying out.
I can't tumble, or jump.
i suck.

Well, if i don't make it, i'm running Cross Country to get in shape. I'll just train harder for next year.


once i get my camera working i'll post some pictures.
i want to post prom pictures after prom, but i'm scared to show my face..

Finally the weekend.
I really want to workout, but i can barely walk up the stairs without getting out of breath. i can't talk without having massive coughing attacks.

i hate sick.


i'm going out to eat with my bf, my friend and her ex before prom (longg story). she's a size 2 right now. i feel so huge next to her. i'm worried about eating. they really don't have many healthy choices. except salad. and thats HUGE! whatever i get, i'm just going to have alot of water and diet soda with it, and chug a water before it comes, that way i'll fill up quick, and then burn cals dancing, and at after prom. they have all kinds of active stuff.


well, the boyfriends on his way over, he's watching movies with me while i'm recouperating.

:D

Prom is in 2 weeks. i plan on eating less then 500 cals a day, and working out and tanning, i'm going to have to slowley get to the fasting level, because if i don't eat my bood sugar gets out of wack, and i get sick.

i think i have bronchitis again, so i have to do low impact exersice.
ughh.


ate way to much today, but tomorrow will be better, no more stress.
the play is over! i have time to work on my body now.

I plan on rejoining tomorrow.
This afternoons our last performance.
Everything has been so great!
i had a little girl want her picture taken with me.
as she walked away, she waved, and said "bye alice"
it was amazing.
i've never had that feeling but once, and that was in middle school,
and i was at the store and was in mt cheerleading uniform and this little girl runs up to her mom and screams "look mommy! a real live cheerleader!"

they had a slide show of pictures from all the practices and i look huge.
i hated it.

it sucked.


anyways, i have to go, and get ready for this play.


(:

i am thinking about re - joing MNF next week,
i'm under so much stress this week, because of our play.
i'm already making myself sick under stress, and without food it
will only get worse.
i feel like such a let down, and i'm a failure, but right now this is what's best for me. i CAN'T miss the play, it's my first big production, and i'm the lead.
i can't sabatouge it.

i really want to be part of it. i'm just going to wait till' life calms down a bit.

had to eat dinner, my boyfriend was over, and he knew i didn't eat much lunch.
i want so bad to get through an entire day of this fast.
i know i can do it, it's just everyone else in the way.
:[

practice till 10 tomorrow.
won't eat.

MNF - 2

Haven't eaten, but it's only 6:20 haha.
i'm going to sonic, and getting a large diet dr. pepper.
those are surpisingly filling.
i'm worried about lunch, i can get away with eating very little, but my boyfriend gets worried and starts bitchin' at me for "starving myself". ha, if only he knew the truth...
i might eat half a hundred cal pack..

i can get out of dinner tonight. i have to stay after till' 7. so i'll just say someone went and got us dinner, then go into my room and do homework and go to bed.



Wish me luck lovelies.
as i am wishing luck to all of you <3

MNF - 1

I ate today, i really didn't have a choice.
my parent's made me.

i'm so stressed with this play i've been turning to food for comfort.
one more week and it's all over, then i will have time to work out.
i will do better.
we've had 3 and 4 hour practices lately, and i have one after school tomorrow,
by the time i finish my homework, it will be dark, and i'm so drained.

i'm not going to eat tomorrow, and if i have too, it will be a banana or something.


i will do better. i HAVE too.

i got my prom dress today.
i don't know what the size is, since it was through the cinderella project.
it's so pretty, and i don't feel worthy enough to wear it.
i tried on my heels while my boyfriend was here, and he told me my
legs looked amazing. i wonder if they normally don't look that good to him.
i'm starting that midsummer nights fast thing.
i'm excited, but idk if i'll be able to hide it. i've never fasted more then a few days.
and i barley made it through that.

i'm going to try as long as i can, and if i have to eat i'm going to have a punishment for myself. then start again.

On a feel good note.
today at the blood drive i mentioned i was planning on giving blood next year, and the lady looked at me and goes
"how tall are you?"
"5ft 3 in"
"and how much do you weigh?"
"like 135ish....(red face cursing my fatness"
"really? you don't look that big! i didn't think you'd weigh enough to give blood."


i felt kinda good about that.








EDIT ***************

asked my grandpa to come to my play.
he said he couldn't miss this church revival, no, that he WOULDN'T miss it, not for all the tea in china.


he said sorry an hour later saying i suprised him with my invitation...

I went to my boyfriends last night.
We've been together almost 2 years,
and he saw me shitless for the first time last night.* It took every piece of me to allow him. He told me i was beautiful, i shook my head. He asked me why i hated my body so much. I told him i didn't know. Then i grabbed top and put it on as fast as i could. And i sat in a seat away from him. I felt so disgusting, even though he's seen me in a bathing suit. It was just different.

I got candy for easter, wahoo...

i'm going to allow myself one piece, because it's the bite size ones.
but no more.

I also have to go to my grandma's for lunch.
I'm going to say i feel bad & not eat much.

I'm going to try and work out today.
I'll take it easy, with just weights and crunchs, and light cardio.
with my inhaler by my side of course.


HAPPY EASTER EVERYONEE!!



*Please note: it was more of an i love you moment then physical. and we are both virgins and are keeping it that way for a long time.*

So far today i've had two small slices of a tombstone pizza.
400 cals (around that)


*EDIT***


i attempted to run today,
and had a massive asthma attack, and couldn't make it home.
my dad had to come pick me up from the side of the road.
i'd stand up and everything would get blurry and i'd have to sit.
i tried walking and staggered around like a drunk person and fell in the road.
so now i'm not allowed to run away from the house, until i build up miles on the tredmill. FML

Yesturday my boyfriend made me take pictures in our bathing suits.
we have matching ones.
i look so huge in all the pictures.
at least i'm tan.

i've eaten 3 cupcakes today. i'm so disapointed.
i didn't even realize i had eaten them.
:/

i just looked down and they were gone.

my friend is coming over tonight.
and we're going to the mall, and with her it means going out to eat.
FML.
i'll try & eat tonight i guess..
but tomorrow i'm not having more then 400 cals.
and i'm going running.

i am a failure.


****** EDIT *********


I went to meet my friend. waited with my dad over an hour,
she never showed. i called 6 times and she never answered.
she decided not to go, went to mass, then out with her cousin,
leaving her phone at home. I was so excited because we never get to see each other.
and last night she did the same thing to our other friend, only she ditched her for guys.

Taken from my live journal.

Aug 9 2009 11:33 pm


i hate that i can eat the worst thing ever,
know how many calories are in it, and know
that it's going straight to my ass, eat it anyway,
then cry, and think about purging, but i don't want to purge
because i don't want anyone to know.

i hate how i can not eat, go to cheerleading practice,
work my ass off, and not eat at all until dinner,
and then i do 500+ crunches before bed.

i hate how i always feel sick after i eat, but
yet i'll eat the same thing again.

i hate seeing the scars on my arms,
know that i did that, then pick up a
razor and do the same thing again.

i hate that i always feel like the world's
biggest failure. that i'm not good enough.

i hate MYSELF.

but most of all, i hate that i hate myself.


i hate the body i live in, i hate the voice in my head that tells me i'm a cow,
and that if i eat that i'll be fat.
i hate the other voice telling me, oh go ahead and eat it, you can work it off later.


i wish i was normal..