Guess Who's Back Bitches??

Fatter than ever. I hate me. Time to get legit.

I have a tumblr, i update it alot more then this.
but i'm going to try to update more.

i have a tumblr now.


i weighed 144 this morning. its a little better.
i'm getting there.
i want to be in the 130s by homecoming.

i've been sick all week, which sucks, because i like school.
i can get away with not eating as much there.
but i've been playing the sick card, so i guess it's okay.

my friend texted me last night, she thinks she's preggers, and wants me to go with her to get a test.
i'm scared for her.


i think i'm going to run indoor track this winter, just to get back into shape. i always loose weight when i start running.


well, thats it for now.

this is IT!
i can't stand myself any longer.
i say i'll loose weight, and i'll do better tomorrow.
NO MORE.
FUCK MY STUPID PATHETIC WANNA BE SKINNY, BUT I'LL TRY HARDER TOMORROW ATTITUDE.

THIS CHANGES NOW!!!!!!!!!

i'm pathetic.






I'm fasting tomorrow, all day long.
if i eat, i must do 100 crunches for every calorie consumed.
and i will punish myself further, by SI. Because i want to be hott one day.
i want to loose 10 lbs by homecoming. (oct. 30)
i CAN DO THIS.
I HAVE TOO!!!

Friday night at our football game some drunk bitch was talking about me.

She called all our cheerleaders whores and slut (when she had her baby her sophomore year) and then she singled out 3 girls.
i was one of them.

i don't know what she said but i can only imaginie.
"She sucks at cheerleading, why is she even on the team?"
"Who let the cow on varsity"
"did you see that jump? her legs jiggled like crazy!"



i need to get back on track.
in the last month i lost a total of 7 inches.


i WILL loose more.

Last night was my two year anniversary with my boyfriend.
He got me a beautiful ring, and told me its a promise ring.
He said i know you have plans for your future and don't even want to think about marrige until you're out of college, but i just want you to know that i will wait, and i want you to wait too.


i love him.
i really do.



We went out to eat, and i enjoyed myself, and then felt like a cow the rest of the night.

i came home and tried to tell my mom, and she ignored me and asked me where her sandwich was.

"so M got me a really pretty ring, he said he was running out of things to get me."
.....
"look, it came in a pretty box"
.................

"Wheres my sandwich?"

"in the fridge"

"well go get it, bring me ketchup. if i had known i'd have to wait until AFTER the movie i wouldn't have even got it. you should have called so i could choose."

"i assumed you knew you'd have to wait."

"Don't ever assume, now get my sandwich"

It really hurt my feelings..

but she does have the flu, really bad.
and she has heart problems so it makes it worse.
i hate her being sick.
:/


well, its time to get ready for school... wooo....


GOAL TODAY : LESS THEN 1,000.


i CAN do it.

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been on. I broke my laptop charger and I'm having trouble getting it fixed. I just got my iPod on the mail so I can get on a little but not too much. I miss everyone and can't wait to be back

I tried on all my shorts from last summer,
NONE OF THEM FIT.
that is exactly the motivation i need.
i've had 260 calories so far today.
a 100 cal pack of cheese, a 100 cal yogurt, and a 60 cal mousse temptation thingy.

i'm going later to re get my gym membership.
they changed the system to get in, so my card doesn't work.

i'm going to a fair with my boyfriend this week, i'm really excited.
i went last week with 2 of my best friends.
i wore jeans because i felt so huge.
i'm the shortest of the 3 of us.
my best friend is a tall skinny blonde,
she wear a size 7, but still has a gap between her thighs.
my other friends bigger, she wear a 14.
and i wear a 9 (seven if i'm lucky)
but i decided i'm going to wear a baggy size 5 by school starting (aug. 18)

i'm sick of all this fat, so today i get serious, no more snacking, no more fast food.

i mean it this time.

I'm back.

I ate entirely way too much on vacation.
I've decided that i have to stop this nasty
food obsession i've gotten. i want to be pretty. i want the guys to talk about how hott i am, and yearn for me.

so this is my list of things to do before summer is over.

*Start swimming at least 3x a week (pool opens july 19)
*Get my left and right split, maybe middle.
*Get higher toe touches.
*Get to at least 125.
*Get tan.
*Stop eating fast food.
*Look hott when i see my ex at the fair.
*Fit into a size 5.
*Make my size 9's and 7's fall off when i put them on.
*Finish my art assignments
*Limit myself to 2 diet soda's a day (sodium = bloating)
*Start running on days i don't swim


I think i can do this.
wait, no.
I KNOW i can do this.


I'm making an appointment to get my hair done.
I'm getting a perm, my bangs trimmed, and layers put back.
my hair just looks like crap right now.


All of me looks like crap right now.

I'm in New Jersey.
We're 5 minutes from New York City.
Going to Ellis Island in a bit.
Its going to be 90 today, so i'm wearing shorts.
I feel like a cow.
I know i'll be made fun of.
Can't update much, sharing a room with 4 other people.


Stay Strong <3

Goodbye past.

Yesterday was my Sweet Sixteen.
my boyfriend gave me part 2 of my present. (part one was two belly button rings)
it was a beautiful necklace in the shape of a heart, with a small pink heart shaped stone on one side, and pink stones lining the other. (post pic later) it matched one of the belly button rings perfectly. he got it from kays with a lifetime warrenty.
my boyfriends the type of guy who doesn't like to spend money. SO for him to get me all that was really sweet.
I ate way too much, and i'm very ashamed. i'm disgusting. i did dance ALOT though, but it doesn't make up for my complete lack of will power. i saw a picture of myself and it made me realize that i'm a whale.
i leave for New York the 20th. I'm gonna try to not eat alot, but everyone wants to go to these big resturanuts that they don't have here, and my friends parents are paying for me. so if i just get a salad that costs 30$ i'll feel awful.

i've been working out again. lots of weights and cardio for cheerleading.
my new facination is contortion, they're all very lean, and so pretty.
i want to be like that. i'm stretching everyday.

i wish i was the best at something. my grades are average, i'm not a good cheerleader, my artwork is nothing compared to the other kids in my class, i'm not skinny, i'm not beautiful, i'm good at things but NEVER the best. The only reason i got Alice, is because the best girl didn't want to be her, and she said she was worried about the play when she heard i got the lead. i'm just average.

This summer will be different. I'm going to make it different. I will get into the best physical condition of my life, i'll be skinny, i'll be confident.
and maybe, just maybe, i'll finally be
happy.

Tomorrows my party.
gross fat cake.
chocolate fondu.
fat chips & soda.

God help me be strong.


i had a pretty awesome workout today, which i'm deffinatly sore from.
i feel so good though.


my mom now knows everything i've done with my boyfriend. it's really weird knowing she knows.

my friend from another school says he likes me, and i'm beautiful.
we've never met met, but i dated him friend a few years ago.
i don't like him that way though, and he has a girlfriend.

Happy Birthday to Me.

*cue the streamers*


i'm fiinally 16.
i woke up to a mini lecture from my mom about how we need to work together to loose weight, how i'm too short to carry excess weight.
How if i said i was hungry and had eaten she's tell me to suck it up, and i HAD to exersice.

i'm glad though, this will be my motivation.
loose weight as quick as possible.


i'm going to be TINY this summer.

I posted last night, and when i clicked publish, my internet crashed.
so i lost it. FML.

basically it said i wanted to go to Wonderland. Or someplace i could escape.
my own little wild paradise. Where i could challenge myself,
and get away from my problems.
a world where i could be..
FOREVER SKINNY

Wouldn't that be great?
a skinny world, everyone a perfect size zero.
that just sounds great.

And when she met her maker, he said "come right in"
"I'll show you around the gym"
"Everyone's beautiful and thin"
"And here there's no sin, and your life can begin"

I love that part of the song.
It's very motivational.


Today was a graduation party for my boyfriend.
Lots of food.
I had a hamburger, and a little bit of cake.
i put the rest on my boyfriends plate.


i'm going to get tiny.
i will be able to swim with my boyfriend, and not worry that
the rest of his family thinks i'm a FATASS.


i'm about to pass out.

so... more later?

I've had about 300 cals today.
but i'm worried about dinner, so i'm going to workout soon.

i have to take the final in my art class, and in my drivers ed class.
luckily i don't have to take my medical terminology final.
I think i got accepted into my schools CNA class.
i'm so excited!
but now i have to take art 5 as an independent study, instead of with my friends.
the classes overlap.

I'm really upset, my boyfriend picks me up after school everyday, and today he wasn't there. luckily my best friend could take me home.
but, i know he had to work, but he never told me the times.
he could have called to let me know that he couldn't get me.

honestly, sometimes i wonder why we are even together, we argue alot more then we used too, and he always wants to fool around, and i don't like too, because i'm too big.

i feel like a fat cow when i'm with him.

plus, theres this guy who i've had a mini crush on since 8th grade.
but he'd never be interested in me. he wants skinny, blonde, easy girls.
Me? i'm fat, brunette, and a "prude"
Today he told me my drawing looked just like the little kid in the picture, and since he's the best artist in the class, it ment alot.
i don't think it's that good.
it's for this thing called memory portraits.
we get a picture of an orphan, and we draw them, and send it back to them.
This year they're from Haiti.

I think i might post the drawing once i'm done..

Today is the National day of fast, for anyone a member of skinnydoll.
i must eat under 400 cals to participate.
I WILL DO IT!!!


my birthday is on monday, and the last day of school is tuesday.
then exams for me on thursday.


Busy busy busy....


i don't think my art teacher likes me.
i really wanted my BEST friend to come sit with me during class, because she was in history.
i asked, and my teacher said NOONE can come in until we're done with our projects.
5 minutes later, a girl came in, then one of my friends came in, then another, and another.

It made me mad, because they could come in, but my BESTIE couldn't?
WTF???


i hate school so much.
I can't wait until summer.

I need to update more.
i haven't been on since my last post.
so, tomorrow i'm having a catch up day, reading everyones posts,
and updating you all.
i'd do it now, but i took Nyquil, and it's hitting me now.

ate way to much.
but, i did a really good ab work out


I LOVE YOU ALL

Hey everyone, sorry i haven't updated, lifes been crazy.
I made the Varsity squad. Which means no more free friday nights once football starts.
i'm really excited about it though.
I'm on the state council for HOSA, so i was busy with that.
lots to do, not enough time.

I'm not sure what my weight is, because i'm on my period, and my stomach is soooo
swollen, it looks gross.


but, i gotta go to school.
i'll get on when i get home, and update more.

i should really be getting ready, but oh well.
i have to go to barnes and noble dressed like Alice from Alice in wonderland.
(that waas our school play)
Then i have a tea at my grandmas church.
i'm going to try and not eat much.
but with my mom and grandma watching me it will be hard to eat nothing.
i ate a bowl of oatmeal with fiber supplement in it.

i'm still nervous about tryouts, but i'm working really hard to make it.
i'll update more later.


<3 you all

Cheerleading tryouts are next week.
i'm really nervous, even though i made the squad the past two years.
that was JV, now i'm moving up to varsity. i just can't jump, and that's a huge
grade for tryouts.
i'm freakin' out. i've been working really hard, but i have like this mental block.
ughh!

i really hope i make it, i love cheering.

but.. if i don't i'm going to run cross country.
i'll at least be in awsome shape.