i have a tumblr now.


i weighed 144 this morning. its a little better.
i'm getting there.
i want to be in the 130s by homecoming.

i've been sick all week, which sucks, because i like school.
i can get away with not eating as much there.
but i've been playing the sick card, so i guess it's okay.

my friend texted me last night, she thinks she's preggers, and wants me to go with her to get a test.
i'm scared for her.


i think i'm going to run indoor track this winter, just to get back into shape. i always loose weight when i start running.


well, thats it for now.

this is IT!
i can't stand myself any longer.
i say i'll loose weight, and i'll do better tomorrow.
NO MORE.
FUCK MY STUPID PATHETIC WANNA BE SKINNY, BUT I'LL TRY HARDER TOMORROW ATTITUDE.

THIS CHANGES NOW!!!!!!!!!

i'm pathetic.






I'm fasting tomorrow, all day long.
if i eat, i must do 100 crunches for every calorie consumed.
and i will punish myself further, by SI. Because i want to be hott one day.
i want to loose 10 lbs by homecoming. (oct. 30)
i CAN DO THIS.
I HAVE TOO!!!

Friday night at our football game some drunk bitch was talking about me.

She called all our cheerleaders whores and slut (when she had her baby her sophomore year) and then she singled out 3 girls.
i was one of them.

i don't know what she said but i can only imaginie.
"She sucks at cheerleading, why is she even on the team?"
"Who let the cow on varsity"
"did you see that jump? her legs jiggled like crazy!"



i need to get back on track.
in the last month i lost a total of 7 inches.


i WILL loose more.

Last night was my two year anniversary with my boyfriend.
He got me a beautiful ring, and told me its a promise ring.
He said i know you have plans for your future and don't even want to think about marrige until you're out of college, but i just want you to know that i will wait, and i want you to wait too.


i love him.
i really do.



We went out to eat, and i enjoyed myself, and then felt like a cow the rest of the night.

i came home and tried to tell my mom, and she ignored me and asked me where her sandwich was.

"so M got me a really pretty ring, he said he was running out of things to get me."
.....
"look, it came in a pretty box"
.................

"Wheres my sandwich?"

"in the fridge"

"well go get it, bring me ketchup. if i had known i'd have to wait until AFTER the movie i wouldn't have even got it. you should have called so i could choose."

"i assumed you knew you'd have to wait."

"Don't ever assume, now get my sandwich"

It really hurt my feelings..

but she does have the flu, really bad.
and she has heart problems so it makes it worse.
i hate her being sick.
:/


well, its time to get ready for school... wooo....


GOAL TODAY : LESS THEN 1,000.


i CAN do it.

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been on. I broke my laptop charger and I'm having trouble getting it fixed. I just got my iPod on the mail so I can get on a little but not too much. I miss everyone and can't wait to be back

I tried on all my shorts from last summer,
NONE OF THEM FIT.
that is exactly the motivation i need.
i've had 260 calories so far today.
a 100 cal pack of cheese, a 100 cal yogurt, and a 60 cal mousse temptation thingy.

i'm going later to re get my gym membership.
they changed the system to get in, so my card doesn't work.

i'm going to a fair with my boyfriend this week, i'm really excited.
i went last week with 2 of my best friends.
i wore jeans because i felt so huge.
i'm the shortest of the 3 of us.
my best friend is a tall skinny blonde,
she wear a size 7, but still has a gap between her thighs.
my other friends bigger, she wear a 14.
and i wear a 9 (seven if i'm lucky)
but i decided i'm going to wear a baggy size 5 by school starting (aug. 18)

i'm sick of all this fat, so today i get serious, no more snacking, no more fast food.

i mean it this time.

I'm back.

I ate entirely way too much on vacation.
I've decided that i have to stop this nasty
food obsession i've gotten. i want to be pretty. i want the guys to talk about how hott i am, and yearn for me.

so this is my list of things to do before summer is over.

*Start swimming at least 3x a week (pool opens july 19)
*Get my left and right split, maybe middle.
*Get higher toe touches.
*Get to at least 125.
*Get tan.
*Stop eating fast food.
*Look hott when i see my ex at the fair.
*Fit into a size 5.
*Make my size 9's and 7's fall off when i put them on.
*Finish my art assignments
*Limit myself to 2 diet soda's a day (sodium = bloating)
*Start running on days i don't swim


I think i can do this.
wait, no.
I KNOW i can do this.


I'm making an appointment to get my hair done.
I'm getting a perm, my bangs trimmed, and layers put back.
my hair just looks like crap right now.


All of me looks like crap right now.

I'm in New Jersey.
We're 5 minutes from New York City.
Going to Ellis Island in a bit.
Its going to be 90 today, so i'm wearing shorts.
I feel like a cow.
I know i'll be made fun of.
Can't update much, sharing a room with 4 other people.


Stay Strong <3

Goodbye past.

Yesterday was my Sweet Sixteen.
my boyfriend gave me part 2 of my present. (part one was two belly button rings)
it was a beautiful necklace in the shape of a heart, with a small pink heart shaped stone on one side, and pink stones lining the other. (post pic later) it matched one of the belly button rings perfectly. he got it from kays with a lifetime warrenty.
my boyfriends the type of guy who doesn't like to spend money. SO for him to get me all that was really sweet.
I ate way too much, and i'm very ashamed. i'm disgusting. i did dance ALOT though, but it doesn't make up for my complete lack of will power. i saw a picture of myself and it made me realize that i'm a whale.
i leave for New York the 20th. I'm gonna try to not eat alot, but everyone wants to go to these big resturanuts that they don't have here, and my friends parents are paying for me. so if i just get a salad that costs 30$ i'll feel awful.

i've been working out again. lots of weights and cardio for cheerleading.
my new facination is contortion, they're all very lean, and so pretty.
i want to be like that. i'm stretching everyday.

i wish i was the best at something. my grades are average, i'm not a good cheerleader, my artwork is nothing compared to the other kids in my class, i'm not skinny, i'm not beautiful, i'm good at things but NEVER the best. The only reason i got Alice, is because the best girl didn't want to be her, and she said she was worried about the play when she heard i got the lead. i'm just average.

This summer will be different. I'm going to make it different. I will get into the best physical condition of my life, i'll be skinny, i'll be confident.
and maybe, just maybe, i'll finally be
happy.

Tomorrows my party.
gross fat cake.
chocolate fondu.
fat chips & soda.

God help me be strong.


i had a pretty awesome workout today, which i'm deffinatly sore from.
i feel so good though.


my mom now knows everything i've done with my boyfriend. it's really weird knowing she knows.

my friend from another school says he likes me, and i'm beautiful.
we've never met met, but i dated him friend a few years ago.
i don't like him that way though, and he has a girlfriend.

Happy Birthday to Me.

*cue the streamers*


i'm fiinally 16.
i woke up to a mini lecture from my mom about how we need to work together to loose weight, how i'm too short to carry excess weight.
How if i said i was hungry and had eaten she's tell me to suck it up, and i HAD to exersice.

i'm glad though, this will be my motivation.
loose weight as quick as possible.


i'm going to be TINY this summer.

I posted last night, and when i clicked publish, my internet crashed.
so i lost it. FML.

basically it said i wanted to go to Wonderland. Or someplace i could escape.
my own little wild paradise. Where i could challenge myself,
and get away from my problems.
a world where i could be..
FOREVER SKINNY

Wouldn't that be great?
a skinny world, everyone a perfect size zero.
that just sounds great.

And when she met her maker, he said "come right in"
"I'll show you around the gym"
"Everyone's beautiful and thin"
"And here there's no sin, and your life can begin"

I love that part of the song.
It's very motivational.


Today was a graduation party for my boyfriend.
Lots of food.
I had a hamburger, and a little bit of cake.
i put the rest on my boyfriends plate.


i'm going to get tiny.
i will be able to swim with my boyfriend, and not worry that
the rest of his family thinks i'm a FATASS.


i'm about to pass out.

so... more later?

I've had about 300 cals today.
but i'm worried about dinner, so i'm going to workout soon.

i have to take the final in my art class, and in my drivers ed class.
luckily i don't have to take my medical terminology final.
I think i got accepted into my schools CNA class.
i'm so excited!
but now i have to take art 5 as an independent study, instead of with my friends.
the classes overlap.

I'm really upset, my boyfriend picks me up after school everyday, and today he wasn't there. luckily my best friend could take me home.
but, i know he had to work, but he never told me the times.
he could have called to let me know that he couldn't get me.

honestly, sometimes i wonder why we are even together, we argue alot more then we used too, and he always wants to fool around, and i don't like too, because i'm too big.

i feel like a fat cow when i'm with him.

plus, theres this guy who i've had a mini crush on since 8th grade.
but he'd never be interested in me. he wants skinny, blonde, easy girls.
Me? i'm fat, brunette, and a "prude"
Today he told me my drawing looked just like the little kid in the picture, and since he's the best artist in the class, it ment alot.
i don't think it's that good.
it's for this thing called memory portraits.
we get a picture of an orphan, and we draw them, and send it back to them.
This year they're from Haiti.

I think i might post the drawing once i'm done..

Today is the National day of fast, for anyone a member of skinnydoll.
i must eat under 400 cals to participate.
I WILL DO IT!!!


my birthday is on monday, and the last day of school is tuesday.
then exams for me on thursday.


Busy busy busy....


i don't think my art teacher likes me.
i really wanted my BEST friend to come sit with me during class, because she was in history.
i asked, and my teacher said NOONE can come in until we're done with our projects.
5 minutes later, a girl came in, then one of my friends came in, then another, and another.

It made me mad, because they could come in, but my BESTIE couldn't?
WTF???


i hate school so much.
I can't wait until summer.

I need to update more.
i haven't been on since my last post.
so, tomorrow i'm having a catch up day, reading everyones posts,
and updating you all.
i'd do it now, but i took Nyquil, and it's hitting me now.

ate way to much.
but, i did a really good ab work out


I LOVE YOU ALL

Hey everyone, sorry i haven't updated, lifes been crazy.
I made the Varsity squad. Which means no more free friday nights once football starts.
i'm really excited about it though.
I'm on the state council for HOSA, so i was busy with that.
lots to do, not enough time.

I'm not sure what my weight is, because i'm on my period, and my stomach is soooo
swollen, it looks gross.


but, i gotta go to school.
i'll get on when i get home, and update more.

i should really be getting ready, but oh well.
i have to go to barnes and noble dressed like Alice from Alice in wonderland.
(that waas our school play)
Then i have a tea at my grandmas church.
i'm going to try and not eat much.
but with my mom and grandma watching me it will be hard to eat nothing.
i ate a bowl of oatmeal with fiber supplement in it.

i'm still nervous about tryouts, but i'm working really hard to make it.
i'll update more later.


<3 you all

Cheerleading tryouts are next week.
i'm really nervous, even though i made the squad the past two years.
that was JV, now i'm moving up to varsity. i just can't jump, and that's a huge
grade for tryouts.
i'm freakin' out. i've been working really hard, but i have like this mental block.
ughh!

i really hope i make it, i love cheering.

but.. if i don't i'm going to run cross country.
i'll at least be in awsome shape.

the boyfriend took me out for mexican and milk shakes.
i coughed so much i puked some of it up.
i brushed my teeth, and decided to finish the job.
so now my tummy is nice and empty.

I got up this morning and ate, not realizing it was the start of MNF.
I think i'm waiting till monday, because of mothers day and crap.

Got in a fight with my bf last night.
because i got my nose pierced, and he told me i couldn't.
but he doesn't control me. and threatened to break up with me if i did it.
i was at his house and he kept telling me to take the sticker off my face.
i showed him it was real and he said "t's numbers on the white board."
then he just left, and hasn't talked to me since.
i really don't know what to do.

His little sister (step) was saying stuff like "if he breaks up with you i'm slapping him, he'll never find someone as pretty or as good as you"
she's 10, and i want to stay in her life as she grows.


i hate boys sometimes.

Yesturday i did pretty good, until i went to my grandmas.
My cousin was there, and she's 4.
She made me play house, and she was the mommy, then she cooked for me and then we played McDonalds. She just shoved stuff at me through a little opening thing.
It was candy, and if i didn't eat it she started screaming and telling on me for not eating, and my mom was suspicious of my not eating all day.
so i had to eat.
FML.

I'm going to do even better today.
absolutly no sweets.
and in gym, for fun, me and about 6 other people are going to the football field, standing on the 25 yd line, spining as fast as we can until someone yells go, then running as fast and hard as you can without falling, and the person who gets furthest wins.
i'm really excited, because it's alot of fun, and it's in the upper 80's.
well, i'll update later, bacause i have to get ready for school.

(:

EVERYONE WHOS FOLLOWING ME

Please do this!
i NEED IT.
PLEASE!!!


Leave the ruddest, meanest, most thinspiring comment ever.
Tell me i'm fat, that i need to loose weight.
Make me cry.
You can leave it anonymously or with your name.
i don't care! I won't hold it against you.
I PROMISE!



i'm 5'3" and i weigh 138-140 lbs.
MY legs are bigger then my head and they jiggle when i walk.
call me a fat ass, please!

my measurements are 32-29-38?
i think.

I can't run without my thighs chaving, i can't jump, and when i cheer its like a fat parade.



PLEASE EVERYONE HELP ME.

I am such a failure.
I've eaten so much today, i feel like i'm going to throw up.
i'd love too, but my head hurts to bad to purge.
i just drank a LARGE shake. did you see that? a LARGE!
I'm just screaming make me a fat ass!
i hate myself so much right now.

I take a birth control pill because of my severe PMS, and they stopped making it, and i can't get more until after i see a doctor, so i'm misserable.

i have period cramps, but no bleeding, and i feel like shit, and i can't sleep.
of course i can NEVER sleep because of insomnia.

I have to get on track. i feel disgusting.
i want to be skinny for New York, because i plan on going to ford models and whilamina and sending in a portfolio.

I want to be beautiful. i want the guys to want me, to talk about me, to vote me for homecoming. I want to be the girl they lust after, not just the one they ask when they need help.

My mom got those shape up shoes, so i'm taking them to gym class, because all i do is walk for an hour+. i would run, but theres a cutie in my next class, and i want him to notice me. not just as an aquantance. but more.

yes, i know i have a boyfriend, and i love him. but this guy is gorgeous. my boy friend knows i think this. we started this new thing where we tell each other anytime we look at someone else. as long as it's looking, not touching.
it's quite nice. no more guilt for thinking another guys cute.

we have a weird relationship, but he means the world to me. he really does.


well, that's really all i have on my minf right now. i'm going to try to get some much needed sleep, it will help with my hunger i feel all the time.


i love you all!

Sorry i haven't updated in a while.
very busy.
last night was prom.
it was magical. i acctually felt pretty(with no mirrors around)
it was amazing seeing everyone made up.
most of the girls were so tiny.
i felt huge.
on a plus i feel like i lost weight dancing so much.
on a negative.. i think i'm sick all over again. my immune system sucked, and i was with alot of people, and now i'm coughing worse, and just setting here i'm sweating.
it's fantastic! (note the sarcasm)

i didn't go out to eat last night, but after prom they had a dinner for the students, so i had a half a sandwich and a cup of baked ziti, then i played on bouncey things for half an hour, so i feel i burned most of it.

i had 2 slices of pizza around 10 for breakfast(what the HELL was i thinking?)
haven't eaten again yet.

<3 you all

I went to the store and i have gotten new low cal foods.
i'm going to loose weight.
so far i had a bowl of cereal - 170
but i left half in the bowl, so like - 85ish.

i've been doing 50 sit ups a night on my exersice ball, it's all i can do with this cough.
it still hasn't gone.
FML.

I've decided my goal is to look tanned, toned, and small like the girls in the country music videos.
i live in a small town, and i'm a "redneck" and so is my boyfriend.
that would be his dream girl, i just know it.

Today i've eaten a bowl of cereal.
150 cals.
and a cookie
70 cals.


I'm going to my boyfriends later to watch Avatar. It's his fav.
I prob wont eat there, because most of the time dinners over when i get there.
i'm making him take me to sonic for a diet dr pepper, and ice.

i'll tell him i ate already, and tell my parents i ate there.

i won't leave till' 5 though, so i will try to get out of anymore eating.

i really want to work out, but my cough limits what i can do.
i hate it.
I stretched for 30 min last night for cheerleading.
I really hope i make it, i'm so worried i wont. I have to make varsity since i'll be a junior, but there are so many gymnasts trying out.
I can't tumble, or jump.
i suck.

Well, if i don't make it, i'm running Cross Country to get in shape. I'll just train harder for next year.


once i get my camera working i'll post some pictures.
i want to post prom pictures after prom, but i'm scared to show my face..

Finally the weekend.
I really want to workout, but i can barely walk up the stairs without getting out of breath. i can't talk without having massive coughing attacks.

i hate sick.


i'm going out to eat with my bf, my friend and her ex before prom (longg story). she's a size 2 right now. i feel so huge next to her. i'm worried about eating. they really don't have many healthy choices. except salad. and thats HUGE! whatever i get, i'm just going to have alot of water and diet soda with it, and chug a water before it comes, that way i'll fill up quick, and then burn cals dancing, and at after prom. they have all kinds of active stuff.


well, the boyfriends on his way over, he's watching movies with me while i'm recouperating.

:D

Prom is in 2 weeks. i plan on eating less then 500 cals a day, and working out and tanning, i'm going to have to slowley get to the fasting level, because if i don't eat my bood sugar gets out of wack, and i get sick.

i think i have bronchitis again, so i have to do low impact exersice.
ughh.


ate way to much today, but tomorrow will be better, no more stress.
the play is over! i have time to work on my body now.

I plan on rejoining tomorrow.
This afternoons our last performance.
Everything has been so great!
i had a little girl want her picture taken with me.
as she walked away, she waved, and said "bye alice"
it was amazing.
i've never had that feeling but once, and that was in middle school,
and i was at the store and was in mt cheerleading uniform and this little girl runs up to her mom and screams "look mommy! a real live cheerleader!"

they had a slide show of pictures from all the practices and i look huge.
i hated it.

it sucked.


anyways, i have to go, and get ready for this play.


(:

i am thinking about re - joing MNF next week,
i'm under so much stress this week, because of our play.
i'm already making myself sick under stress, and without food it
will only get worse.
i feel like such a let down, and i'm a failure, but right now this is what's best for me. i CAN'T miss the play, it's my first big production, and i'm the lead.
i can't sabatouge it.

i really want to be part of it. i'm just going to wait till' life calms down a bit.

had to eat dinner, my boyfriend was over, and he knew i didn't eat much lunch.
i want so bad to get through an entire day of this fast.
i know i can do it, it's just everyone else in the way.
:[

practice till 10 tomorrow.
won't eat.

MNF - 2

Haven't eaten, but it's only 6:20 haha.
i'm going to sonic, and getting a large diet dr. pepper.
those are surpisingly filling.
i'm worried about lunch, i can get away with eating very little, but my boyfriend gets worried and starts bitchin' at me for "starving myself". ha, if only he knew the truth...
i might eat half a hundred cal pack..

i can get out of dinner tonight. i have to stay after till' 7. so i'll just say someone went and got us dinner, then go into my room and do homework and go to bed.



Wish me luck lovelies.
as i am wishing luck to all of you <3

MNF - 1

I ate today, i really didn't have a choice.
my parent's made me.

i'm so stressed with this play i've been turning to food for comfort.
one more week and it's all over, then i will have time to work out.
i will do better.
we've had 3 and 4 hour practices lately, and i have one after school tomorrow,
by the time i finish my homework, it will be dark, and i'm so drained.

i'm not going to eat tomorrow, and if i have too, it will be a banana or something.


i will do better. i HAVE too.

i got my prom dress today.
i don't know what the size is, since it was through the cinderella project.
it's so pretty, and i don't feel worthy enough to wear it.
i tried on my heels while my boyfriend was here, and he told me my
legs looked amazing. i wonder if they normally don't look that good to him.
i'm starting that midsummer nights fast thing.
i'm excited, but idk if i'll be able to hide it. i've never fasted more then a few days.
and i barley made it through that.

i'm going to try as long as i can, and if i have to eat i'm going to have a punishment for myself. then start again.

On a feel good note.
today at the blood drive i mentioned i was planning on giving blood next year, and the lady looked at me and goes
"how tall are you?"
"5ft 3 in"
"and how much do you weigh?"
"like 135ish....(red face cursing my fatness"
"really? you don't look that big! i didn't think you'd weigh enough to give blood."


i felt kinda good about that.








EDIT ***************

asked my grandpa to come to my play.
he said he couldn't miss this church revival, no, that he WOULDN'T miss it, not for all the tea in china.


he said sorry an hour later saying i suprised him with my invitation...

I went to my boyfriends last night.
We've been together almost 2 years,
and he saw me shitless for the first time last night.* It took every piece of me to allow him. He told me i was beautiful, i shook my head. He asked me why i hated my body so much. I told him i didn't know. Then i grabbed top and put it on as fast as i could. And i sat in a seat away from him. I felt so disgusting, even though he's seen me in a bathing suit. It was just different.

I got candy for easter, wahoo...

i'm going to allow myself one piece, because it's the bite size ones.
but no more.

I also have to go to my grandma's for lunch.
I'm going to say i feel bad & not eat much.

I'm going to try and work out today.
I'll take it easy, with just weights and crunchs, and light cardio.
with my inhaler by my side of course.


HAPPY EASTER EVERYONEE!!



*Please note: it was more of an i love you moment then physical. and we are both virgins and are keeping it that way for a long time.*

So far today i've had two small slices of a tombstone pizza.
400 cals (around that)


*EDIT***


i attempted to run today,
and had a massive asthma attack, and couldn't make it home.
my dad had to come pick me up from the side of the road.
i'd stand up and everything would get blurry and i'd have to sit.
i tried walking and staggered around like a drunk person and fell in the road.
so now i'm not allowed to run away from the house, until i build up miles on the tredmill. FML

Yesturday my boyfriend made me take pictures in our bathing suits.
we have matching ones.
i look so huge in all the pictures.
at least i'm tan.

i've eaten 3 cupcakes today. i'm so disapointed.
i didn't even realize i had eaten them.
:/

i just looked down and they were gone.

my friend is coming over tonight.
and we're going to the mall, and with her it means going out to eat.
FML.
i'll try & eat tonight i guess..
but tomorrow i'm not having more then 400 cals.
and i'm going running.

i am a failure.


****** EDIT *********


I went to meet my friend. waited with my dad over an hour,
she never showed. i called 6 times and she never answered.
she decided not to go, went to mass, then out with her cousin,
leaving her phone at home. I was so excited because we never get to see each other.
and last night she did the same thing to our other friend, only she ditched her for guys.

Taken from my live journal.

Aug 9 2009 11:33 pm


i hate that i can eat the worst thing ever,
know how many calories are in it, and know
that it's going straight to my ass, eat it anyway,
then cry, and think about purging, but i don't want to purge
because i don't want anyone to know.

i hate how i can not eat, go to cheerleading practice,
work my ass off, and not eat at all until dinner,
and then i do 500+ crunches before bed.

i hate how i always feel sick after i eat, but
yet i'll eat the same thing again.

i hate seeing the scars on my arms,
know that i did that, then pick up a
razor and do the same thing again.

i hate that i always feel like the world's
biggest failure. that i'm not good enough.

i hate MYSELF.

but most of all, i hate that i hate myself.


i hate the body i live in, i hate the voice in my head that tells me i'm a cow,
and that if i eat that i'll be fat.
i hate the other voice telling me, oh go ahead and eat it, you can work it off later.


i wish i was normal..

in TN, ate a lot today, my grandparents made me,
we're going to be busy tomorrow so i can prob get out of eating as much.
i got new jeans, a 7/8 from aero, i feel like a cow.
i'm going to make those jeans baggy..

i'm sick today.
i started my period today, and i have cramps so bad i can hardly move.
i'm misserable.
i hate it so much.
i'm going to try to workout tonight, if the pain goes away.
:(
i've been doing plyometrics to build up leg muscle for cheerleading.
and i'm going to start running on a daily basis.
i'm going to TN with my grandma over sprin break.
i plan on getting my prom dress.
update more later

had about 800 - 900 cals today.
felt sick all day, and was is a bad mood.
yea, i don't fee like updating..
night

I had hardees today.
so i skipped lunch to make up for it.
then had a weight watcher mini pizza for dinner (200)
i only ate the toppings.
i feel disgusted with myself. i truelly hate this obese monster i have become.
i see my tiny friends and i'm filled with envy.
i swear i will do better.
i want to be tiny, and petite.
i want to be beautiful

I think i'm going to try 2468 diet.

My mom told me she thought her body issues had rubbed off on me. She was what is considered now EDNOS. Her mom called her fat when she was little and all kinds of stuff. She tells me everyday i'm beautiful. I just don't see it.
I plan on running tonight after practice. Then tanning after.
I'll update then (:

It's been awhile since i got on here.
i've started lifting weight, to focus on my legs and arms.
it's going to help with cheerleading in the fall.
i ordered an exercise DVD that works on cheering,
so i'm excited for it to come in.
We have a Lock in for our play tonight.
so i'll be there all night, with a bunch of snacks.
i'm praying i'll be strong.
since i'm on stage the entire play, i wont get much chance
to just sit around and snack. i'm thankful for that.
i just realized i'm so pale.
so i'm going to clean my room, go shower, tanning lotion(30 min to dry)
then maybe if i have time lay in the tanning bed.


stay strong everyone (:

$#@$

I went to my friends Sweet Sixteen, and ate way to much.
I am disqusted with myself.
I am a FAT COW, and a LAZY SLOB.
I hate myself.
From this point on i will not binge,
or listen to the food say eat me please.
I WON'T!

I WILL do better!
i will get to 125 by the first performance
of the play. I want to be a pretty lead.
I will be 115 by prom.
I WILL!

I just found out that I got the lead in my school's play.
I'm beyond shocked. But very happy, and it's a major motivator to loose weight.


Getting ready to eat breakfast.
1/2 whole wheat bagel, w/ 2 tbsp cream cheese mixed with splenda
- 155 cals.
Post rest of day later (:

had about 400 cals today.
tonight their is a school dance.
i'm going with my friends, and i plan on burning
off alot of cals.
only thing, everyones going to ihop afterwards.
i'm dreading it.
:/


tomorrow i'm going on a long run, working on abs/core, and arms


wish me luck tonight

I haven't been on, and couldn't see the cals i needed, so i'm starting with day 2 again. i had half a piece of cinnamon toast - 50 cals.
thats just so far. update later.

had 4 chicken nuggets.
half cup stuffing.
2 spoonfuls of mac & cheese.
3 ravioli pieces.


i feel huge. my ex imed me today. his new girlfriend is so pretty.
but thats okay, i love my boyfriend. he's amazing.
he's the best thing in my life.
135 this morning with clothes and a robe on.
starting a running program on saturday.
i will be fit and sexy by summer.

Went to mall with my friend. walked for hours.
then her mom took us out to eat.
i had
2 tacos, rice, and a shirley temple.
i was delerious from lack of sleep.
fantasticc.
thats not to bad, but i could have done better.

weighed 131 this morning.
ate 2 vanilla wafers, a cracker, a piece of sausage, 7 triscuts, and a few sips of a strawberry daquri. all together around 500.
i feel proud.

i dyed my hair again, back to the dark brown. i love it this color.
two friends are over, so my update has to be quick.

tomorrows 300 cals.
going out to get dance stuff with my mom.
:D

I went over badly yesturday. ughh.
but my mom gave me a fluid pill, and i
went to the bathroom all night, but i woke up
this morning at 133. i'm scared to drink anything.
if i do it will all come back. :/

i'm doing day 2 over. i suck :(

Day 1 - 500

I did so well today.
had 100 cal ack and half a cup of salad for lunch.
one ice cream sandwich when i got home,
and a sub.
so probably 600 - 700 cals.

i went over. damn, today we had a crunch test.
i got 83 in 1 min. most of ny girls in my class.
i felt really good about it.

i have tryouts for our spring play soon. i really want the
lead, but it's my first year acting. so i doubt i'll get it.
also, i'm going to try out for soccer. there is a timed mile on monday.
so that means i'm running all weekend.
i really want to make the team, but last time i tried out i didn't make it.
so i'm preparing myself for not making it, but who knows?

well, that's it for today.

<3

Dinner was biscuits and gravy, had half a biscuit with gravy.
and another biscuit with jelly.
i'm a fat FUCK!
i'm going to work out a little soon.
i haven't been able to with drama practice and homework.
i've been trying to start running, but it hasn't gotten above 25.
i WILL run tomorrow. my new UA shirt came in today.
i'm restarting ABC tomorrow.
I took beneFiber all day. i was misserably full from
my diet dr pepper and water. but i get bad gas. *blushes*
(:

FML.
So i've had about 600 cals.
that's over, which is BAD!
i feel so disgusting.
i took fiber all day, so my stomach is
cramping. i think i'll restart tomorrow,
seeing as how dinner is soon, and i can't get out of it.
i feel like i let myself down.
i will do better tomorrow.
I PROMISE

Tomorrow i am going to start ABC.
it will be my first time.
I will post how it goes tomorrow night (:

first day back to school tomorrow.
haven't been in a week because of snow.
blahh, i wish i had lost weight, but
i binged alot being trapped inside.


anywho, wish me luck (: